Brexit: The result

Brexit

Woke up this morning.

Saw the news on TV

I am speechless.

What the Fuck just happened!?!

Britain Voted to leave the EU??!!

Cameron resigns?!?!

I am in shock. Feels like I have been hit by a truck.

I am incontinent incandescent with rage.

”Why Lord, Why hast thou forsaken me? Why have You reduced the chances of finding a white round bubble butt in Britain?” (Click here)

 Shit.  I really don’t need this right now!!!

Oh well…. Time to brush up on my Spanish…..

How do say “Have you got a bubble butt?” in Spanish….

 

Brexit: The Vote


“I’m in”
That reminds me of what I uttered, after trying unsuccessfully for 15 minutes to get into a nice tight bubble butt using different positions . Finally we assumed the….I digress….

This is not what this post is about.

I have cast my vote in the referendum.

You have till 2000BST to do your bit.
Unlike farts, Britain is better in than out!

Brexit – A Case For Bubble Butts

Incase you haven’t heard, the United Kingdom will be voting in a referendum on June 23rd to decide whether to leave the European Union (EU) or to stay. This has been aptly termed “Brexit” to leave or “Bremain” to stay.

What brought this on? Since Britain joined the EU back in 1973, dissenting voices have always complained that they wanted to leave the community. They were (and are still) not happy with the EU laws and standards they had to subscribe to as a member country.  The idea of being ruled by anyone else other than themselves is abhorrent to them. Rule Britannia and all that.Read More »

The Prayer

So its my last day in my village, near Owerri, Nigeria. After four days, no kinsman or woman has asked me the dreaded marriage question. 

I thought I had a lucky escape, until I popped into an Aunt’s shop to tell her I would be leaving the tomorrow morning and to give her some money.
She thanked me profusely for the cash. Then blessed me. She then got on her knees and said, “Please, please find a wife. Please I am begging you in the name of God, please.”

I replied, “Please Aunty, get up. I have heard you. I will see what I can do.”

She got up.

“Oh are you looking for one over there in England? She seemed to ask with disdain in her voice.

“Ah, ah Aunty, does it matter where she comes from?”

“That’s true but It is better if she hails from these parts”

I wanted to say “Seriously? You have been asking me to get married, for the last 20 years to no avail, and now you are suggesting where the wife should come from?! You don’t ask for much do you? And they say beggers can’t be choosers” But I kept my peace.

Instead I said, “But aunty at my age, I don’t think I want to get married any more”

“Eh?!” She screamed. Her face looked like someone had stabbed her in the heart. “Don’t say that. There is a 70 year old man in the next kindred, who is looking for a young wife. You are a man. You can even marry at 70”

“I have been praying for you. I prayed for you this morning that a good woman will come your way, In Jesus Name”

As if on cue, like the ram that appeared to Abraham when God decided ,Abraham’s son Isaac, wouldn’t taste as good as a free range ram, a lean muscular guy in his early twenties wearing a pair of Hawaiian shorts and a singlet,showing off his sinewy arms, walked into the shop. He had the kind of musculature you don’t get from going to the gym; rather from good old fashioned hard labour on the farm or a building site.

Sigh. Behold the “Good woman”.

I was about to say, “Hallelujah, God has answered your prayer, Aunty” when I  noticed he was wearing eyeliner and when he spoke it was with a very high pitch voice. 

No way Ms Thang!!!

Technically, God did answer my aunt’s prayer, just not the sexuality she was expecting. 

I smiled. 
I think God was having a laugh. 
🚶🏿🚶🏿🚶🏿🚶🏿

Grey’s Anatomy

 

I am not sure how this got into my head. It could have been some random urban myth I heard in school, but I grew up thinking that the parts of the body where we have an abundance of grey hair, are the parts of the body we use the most.

So growing up, whenever I saw an old person with grey hair, I would instantly think, about how intelligent they were, because they must use their brain a lot. I would wonder how many books they would have read  or how many degrees they had. What wonderful facts they would know from reading Encyclopaedia Britannica (This was before the creators of Google were sperm cells)Read More »

Mean Queens: The Sad, Sad Case of Internet Trolls

A few months ago, I blogged here that I couldn’t wait for the new dislike button on Facebook, so that I can start disliking comments and pictures thus effectively becoming a Facebook troll . Well that dream is out the proverbial window now that Facebook have decided against the button.

Secretly I am glad they reached that decision because a Facebook troll who goes around clicking away disliking posts on Facebook, is one step away from being an Internet troll who actually goes around and takes the time writing negative comments on every post the come across.

internet-troll

I belong to a Nigerian LGBT online forum (blog) kitodiaries. Its main intention is to act as a forum where Nigerian LGBT persons can speak out against the hostile legalized homophobic environment they live in. A forum where homophobic attacks can be reported, attackers identified and other gay people warned about the attackers. More importantly, it lets other LGBT people in Nigeria know that they are not alone. In other words an online sanctuary of sorts. Read More »

Facebook: My Life Just Got Fabulous ….Again!!

Yippee!!! Just heard Facebook will be introducing the dislike button. Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook said yesterday during a Q & A “What people want is to be able to express empathy”.  He said some users (me) have been asking for the icon since 2009 and that the icon will be available to test very soon

He also said he did not want it to be a mechanism with which people could “down vote” others’ posts.

facebook-dislike-icon-300x274

While I completely agree with him on the use of the button on the empathy front , however I can’t help but think that young Mr. Zuckerberg, by his comment on the “down post” is just trying to absolve himself of any wanton misuse of the icon in the future. And he knows it will happen.

To borrow a much used analogy, providing the dislike button on Facebook and asking users not to “down post” with it, is like taking a child to M&M world in central London and telling them they can’t have any sweets? That’s just cruel.Read More »

Conversation With The Barber II

The last time I mentioned my barber was in January, it is now August. That doesn’t mean that I have been running around looking like I am auditioning for a part in a Blaxploitation movie. Quite the opposite. I have been to see him and been having my hair cut, just that we haven’t had any gay related conversations, until yesterday when I paid him a visit him.

50-Cent-Afro-Hairstyle-30494

The following ensued and like the last time, which you can catch up on here the conversation was in Igbo.

Me: How now? How is the family? (He is married with two daughters)

Emenike (Em): I am fine my brother. We thank God. How is work?

Me: Its going well, thank you. I have a big presentation on Monday; please give me a nice haircut – I need to show them that I haven’t come to sell groundnuts.

Em: Don’t worry I will take care of you, he laughed

He prepared me for the haircut and as he draped the barber’s cloth over me, he stopped mid-flight as a rather voluptuous lady walked by the shop window and attracted his attention. The other barbers and customers in the shop teased him about being happily married man and shouldn’t be gawking at other women.

Me: How is that your townsman you were telling me about?Read More »