Dear Nigerian Homophobe

As life-long members of the World Federation of Homophobes (WFH) – a federation which has been in existence for almost as long as homosexuals have been, I feel your opinions are not being respected enough by other members of the WFH during your daily knees up.

Here are a few areas I think you could improve on, that may help your standing in the federation. The list is by no mean exhaustive, but we have to start  somewhere:

1) Gays don’t always want your ass

You have this irrational fear that all gay men want is your ass. It is not true – we want your dick too. You see some of us are Tops (those who might want your ass) and a good number are bottoms (those who might want your dick). There are a variety of gay sexual labels between Top and Bottom, but I will stick to these two and keep things simple for your benefit.

So when you make pointedly homophobic comments like “Ass bandit” or “I don’t want to wear adult diapers” you are leaving out a large number of gays in your derogatory comments. Your homophobia should be all-inclusive for it to be remotely effective. Your WFH counterparts from the west have this knowledge of the two main types of gays and frankly speaking you are letting Nigeria down by not knowing this simple fact. Like we say, “Google is your friend; don’t be shy”.

 

2) Paedophilia

You need to stop equating homosexuality to paedophilia. That reference is so 19^th century. Update the rhetoric. Freshen it up and bring it into the 21^st century. Equate it to say, Cyber terrorism (if you want to sound globally aware) or advance-fee scam (if you want to remain local). The constant paedophilia comparison just makes your argument silly, especially as it’s not the sole preserve of gay people. Statistically, straight guys in Nigeria are well ahead when it comes to paedophilia. And in some parts of the country under aged marriage is encouraged.

Please let me be clear, I am not by any stretch of the imagination condoning paedophilia, as any sexual contact between a legal adult and a minor is NOT right by any moral standard, regardless of the sexuality of the offender involved. But gays are no more likely to commit such a heinous act than your straight self. So please stop using this argument.

And that bestiality comparison thing you do, is so nasty. Stop it.

3) Ask for a refund on your Bible

You seem to all collectively quote from the Book Leviticus when the Christians among you use the scriptures to degrade homosexuals. That is fine, but it also implies the Bibles sold in Nigeria do not have all the scriptures in them and therefore are incomplete (a bit like most government road projects). So you need to return your Bibles and get a full refund. Unless you all are damn too lazy to read the entire Bible.

Either way if you had read the complete Bible you’d find a few more verses to support your case. For example, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 in the New Testament, condemns homosexuality, right next to where it says the “the sexually immoral (look in the mirror) swindlers (our politicians) and drunkards (mirror again) won’t smell heaven” Yet you won’t condemn these groups. But I digress. This is not to showcase your hypocrisy; rather it is to help you improve your standing in the WFH.

4) The Law

You all are quick to bleat on about homosexuality being a crime in Nigeria on account of the regressive Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act signed in 2014 by President Goodluck Jonathan. Let us ignore the fact that the law was designed to distract you from the economic woes of Nigeria while the politicians plunder the treasury, the yam head President who signed the law has gone on record to say that it is unfair and should be revisited. Why are you still citing that law? Again, it doesn’t make you look good in the WFH.

5) Say it Right.

My People I am not sure, but somehow “Gayism” and “Homosexualism” don’t sound right when it comes to describing the act of same sex loving. I have searched the Oxford Dictionary for them to no avail, although they do appear (albeit haltingly) in the online Urban dictionary.  Maybe in future, popular use of the words may afford them entry in the Oxford Dictionary. The jury is out on that one.  In the meantime, while we wait for both words to appear, I suggest you stop using them, especially when shouting your prayer points in Church.  This could be the reason why after so many years of praying on the subject, God has not banished “the spirit of Gayism from Nigeria”.

I will stop here for now.

Next time I will take you through, step by step how gays have evolved and ingeniously turned the rectum into a multi functional human organ.

Oh I almost forgot, a gay person is just that“Gay”; not “a Gay”