Crap I Get On Grindr – XIII – Lagos Edition

Got into Lagos last week, switched on Scruff and a warning popped up.

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Warning unheeded and most days bored while stuck in traffic in sweltering heat in an Uber/Taxify taxi with air conditioning blowing hot air, I browsed Grindr (which by the way doesn’t have a similar warning) and picked up a life few lessons along the way.

  1. Be au fait with the slang or miss out on a promising shag

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Crap I Get On Grindr – XII – Lost In Translation

So the other day someone hit me up on Grindr……

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I did my due diligence to see if his profile checks out…..

Screenshots - 2 of 7He didn’t like Unsafe sex & drugs; Presumably likes rub downs; Not sure what’s happening with Instagram and the last one….WTF?!!?

He doesn’t like Black Americans???

I always say to people who get offended by such racially exclusive Grindr profiles, to move on to the next profile. It’s only Grindr. It’s not real life and it won’t impact your livelihood. The Real Sexual Racism

But I was curious to know why this fellow still contacted me. I don’t state my nationality on my profile. How does he know I am not black American?

So against my own advice, (which technically I didn’t do, as he contacted me first) I sought clarity…..

 

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His response indicated he wasn’t into Black guys at all.

Then why the fuck did he send me a message.

At this point I became furious and sent a message without checking for grammar and spelling as you probably may notice…..

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Now he appeared to be back into all black guys.

But I still wanted to know if Black Americans were excluded from his magnanimous hoe-ness……

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Oh wow, he relaxed his rules. He must have been really horny to want to hook up with black Americans. And now that we have cleared up the confusion he wants to get back on track.

But still I wanted an explanation for the initial exclusion from his whoredom……

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And then I got the told….

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Doh!!!🤦🏾‍♂️🤦🏾‍♂️

I had to laugh.

Didn’t RuPaul Charles something like  “If you can’t laugh at yourself, how the hell are you going to laugh at someone else?” 

Happy New Year!!!!

 

 

Crap I Get On Grindr – XI

I honestly can’t remember the last time in the past 12 months a Grindr conversation in London, has converted into a shag for me.

I am largely to blame for this.

Increasingly I am finding Grindr to be an endless source of mirth (second only to the current progress of Brexit negotiations with the EU) rather than a source of sexual gratification. I can’t seem to get past the content of the profile of the guys sending me messages without finding something hilarious about them. And I completely loose interest most times when I read the message.

I really need to change my mindset as I am not getting laid (via Grindr at least 😊) and I feel I am beginning to fall into the group of Time wasters on the app. Or maybe I am too discerning.

I have curated a few examples of what I have seen and done. And I also added a few from a friend of mine who was going through a particularly hard time, when he replied to messages.

I think this one will be waiting a long time……

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I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something not quite right about this profile. A “Daddy without Sugar”?? 🤷🏾‍♂️

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I actually felt sorry for this one. I felt his pain…Poor chap lives in London too.. 😢😢IMG_0603

There is alway one….🙄

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When all else fails, throw money at it…..😏

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This one said he was an “Oral top” and I wanted to know what that meant:

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So my friend Etuk Inyama Etuk, an avid amateur tennis player and Serena Williams fan, was having a really hard time accepting her recent defeat at the US Tennis open. Rather than slam his racket on the tennis court, he took to Grindr to vent his frustration

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🚶🏾‍♂️🚶🏾‍♂️🚶🏾‍♂️

Crap I Get On Grindr X – Job Hunter

Multifunctional

I have come across some profiles in recent times, that you would be forgiven for thinking that Grindr was a job app like LinkedIn rather than a hook up app.

And the way I flip between apps on my iPad and being a certified simpleton, one of these days I think I just might respond to a message in LinkedIn with one intended for Grindr.

I struggle to see how being a graduate would help one’s quest for a shag on Grindr.

It is as if by declaring “I went to college”, I would say “Brilliant, bring your skinny arse over and let me ravage it”

The other day, one guy sent me a message accompanied with dick and butt pics. When I checked his profile he proudly proclaimed that he had a PhD and was looking for a serious relationship.

Last weekend a “High flying lawyer” in central London sent me pictures of his chiselled body but flat behind, offering to split the Uber fare if I came over to his place. Cheapstake. How did I know he is a “High flying lawyer“? Yes, that’s correct. It’s on his profile.

It got me thinking. If we all listed our academic and career achievements on Grindr, mine might read something like:

“City Analyst/Full time bitch/ Part time hoe.  BSc (Unical), BEng(Unilag), Msc (Buckingham), ACA, FCA, MBA(Imperial), PhD (Harvard), CPA, LLB, LLM, CITP, AGILE, PRINCE2. Top, looking for NSA, drug free safe sex with bottoms. PLEASE be Athletic/Muscular with a clean butt.” 

Then maybe a gay MD of an FTSE 100 company would offer me a job post coitus.  I guess I wouldn’t have to worry if got the job due to affirmative action.  Assertive action definitely but not affirmative …but I digress….

Unfortunately, these accomplished erudite punters like the slim ones mentioned above, just don’t bother reading profiles or do, but lack basic English language comprehension, for why else would they reach out to me when our profiles don’t match?!!

When people complain that Grindr has killed romance in the gay community , I often reply that Grindr is exactly what we want it to be:-

It could be a quick hook up app; A source of amusement (both uses I subscribe to, though since Nov 20 2016 it’s been more of  the latter than the former) or; an app leading to a long term relationship culminating in a globally televised wedding, featuring a black preacher and gospel choir in a typical English Church, prompting inane comments from British television pundits about “never seeing so many black people at a wedding before”.

But job hunting certainly wasn’t one of the uses I had in mind for Grindr.

🚶🏿🚶🏿🚶🏿🚶🏿

Crap I Get On Grindr XIII

After years of suppressing  his sexuality,  a friend recently came out of the closet and told his close friends and family. The level of acceptance by all told is encouraging considering he is Nigerian.

Buoyed by his new found freedom to be his authentic self  he hits Grindr, as you do and below happened

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Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.🚶🏿🚶🏿🚶🏿

Movie Review: God’s Own Country

God's Own Country

The last gay themed movie I saw without muscular guys dancing with their tops off in a night club and then copping off home with one or more guys to have wild drug induced sex all weekend, was Moonlight.

Unlike most gay films, God’s Own Country is not set in the concrete jungle of a big city, but rather it is set against a lush rural backdrop. You can almost breathe the fresh air as the camera pans over rich expanse of rambling fields of green grass in the foggy and wet English countryside. What’s more the film reminds us of how gays used to hook up back in the day sans mobile broadband network or Wifi.

Without giving much away, the film is about a gay farmer (Johnny) in the Yorkshire Pennines who manages to have hard, no strings attached sex with other guys without using modern technology (Read Grindr, Scruff, Instagram, Facebook, etc).

Then a Romanian worker (Gheorghe) who insists he’s not a Roma gypsy (which is a damn shame, because I have seen male Roma Gypsies around London they have bubble butts for days), arrives on the farm and an initial personality clash, they have aggressive sex halfway through a meal of hot Pot noodles. And just like that we get Brokeback Mountain on the Yorkshire dales.

Who knew Pot noodles was such a potent aphrodisiac?

 Romance blossoms between Johnny and Gheorghe as the latter teaches Johnny how to make love and not just have aggressive sex. A bit like how Khalessi tamed Aquaman Khal Drogo and taught him how to have sex in other positions, other than doggy style in Game of Thrones.

What happens when Johnny’s family find out? Does it end well? Is there a happy ending? As a film maker myself – I make home made porn – I understand only too well the displeasure of having the ending of my movie revealed to a non-paying audience, therefore I won’t reveal how the movie ends.

All I can say is that despite the story being told in an aggressive macho background with gratuitous showing of Organic British livestock- and I just don’t mean the grass fed cattle and sheep on the farm; there is a tender tale of love that is soul-stirring and the saliva lubricant sex scene could almost be forgiven.

Assuming my movie ratings counted for anything; I’d give the movie 4 out of 5 stars. Go see it if you can.

Meanwhile I am off to stock up on pot noodles 🏃🏿🏃🏿

Crap I Get On Grindr XI


Not really sure what to say here. Would I be called a racist if I say “no” to his “Asian” question? 

I don’t agree with the term “Sexual racism” (please click here for my thoughts), but let’s say I did for a minute, shouldn’t  questions like “Are you into Asians?” be abhorrent to those who say “No Asians” on profiles is offensive? Especially coming from an Asian. 

On one hand, the PC brigade say don’t mention race exclusions on your profile, that it is demoralising for the excluded race, but do not say that people of the excluded race, should not use their race to try and get laid.

And please don’t get me started on his fetishising.

BBC experienced“. Really?!? 😳 

🚶🏿🚶🏿

Crap I Get On Grindr X – A Greek Tragedy

My last entry “Crap I Get On Grindr IX” (click here) took place last week,while on a short break on the Greek Island of  Mykonos, where someone (let’s name him Stalker)  tracked me down to my Hotel.

The way I figure it, Stalker liked my profile on Grindr and messaged me a few times. When I did not respond to any of his messages, he saw that I was within reasonable range of his location, came to my hotel and sent  a message to say he was out front.

The thing is finding me was by no means a Herculean task (or as intriguing as say Huck using high tech equipment to track down his torture victim in Scandal). No, it was quite simple – I was the only black guy at the time, staying in the main (if not only) gay hotel on the Island.Read More »