Comedy · Grindr · Sauna · Sex

Crap I Get On Grindr V


Not sure what’s going on, but I have noticed that an increasing number of men on Grindr are featuring women in their profiles and in pictures they send during conversations. The pictures are usually selfies poses of the guy and a female friend, both young (probably University students) taken at various locations.

Increasingly, I get these profiles hitting me up and this annoys me no end, especially when as in most cases, the male in the picture is not my type.

I think I am a reasonably tolerant person when it comes to sexuality. I get that there are “sexually fluid” people in the world that swing both ways, but for now I like my “sexual rigidity” and wish to be left alone in my box, especially on Grindr.

I don’t exactly get the point of having a female in the Grindr profile pic. Is she going to be part of a mixed sex threesome (There is an app for that) or is she going to watch while the two guys have sex?


I say that , but a friend of mine told me how he was picked up by a guy at the supermarket. When they got to the guy’s house his wife got on her knees and sucked my friend off. When it came to doing the deed, they had a threesome with the husband fucking his wife and my friend fucking the husband from behind at the same time. This was at the wifey’s behest. Well I don’t roll like that.

I was minding my own business the other Sunday, sipping #Lemonade (in awe of the marriage counsellor who recommended producing a visual album as a form of couples therapy – nice one), when I got a message on Grindr from one of such profiles and the following conversation took place:

Fluid (Fl): Hi, how are you? (Followed by five pics, all with him fully clothed posing with the same female on his main profile pic)

Me: Hi. I am fine (I responded with all the enthusiasm of a convict looking forward to beginning a life sentence.)

FI: What are you looking for?

In just two message exchanges, this guy has annoyed me on two counts:

Firstly, he has sent me pics of himself fully clothed, despite seeing my near naked profile pics.

Secondly, he has asked me what I am looking for. On a frigging gay app!?! As it was Sunday, I was tempted to respond with “The messiah” But “Not today, Satan

Me: Please read my profile.

FI: Oh sorry. I just read it. When are you free to meet?

Clearly he didn’t understand the profile it. Because “Slim” wasn’t mentioned as a desired body type.

Me: Who am I talking to? The guy or girl in the pictures?

FI: LOL, of course it’s the guy, silly.

Me: Are you gay or bi?

FI: Gay.

In fairness, that was a dumb question on my part. He kinda looked gay, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt

Me: So what is the story with you sending pics with the lady in it? You trying to show that you’re a ladies’ man?

FI: Ladies’ man?

Me: Yes, showing you are down with the girls. You are cool with them.

FI: Lol. Well I have a lot of lady friends, but this is my best friend.

Me: Does she know you are using her pics on Grindr?

FI: She knows I am gay.

Me: That wasn’t the question

FI: She doesn’t know.

Me: Ah. So what is the rationale behind using her image on Grindr?

FI: None really? They are just pictures I like and I use them.

Me: I am just trying to understand how using pictures of females on Grindr is going to help you pull guys and get you laid.

FI: Well I use them all the time and no one really minds.

Me: But do you get laid though?

FI: A few times. Not as much as I would like.

Me: You reckon it’s the pics you send?

FI: Maybe.

Me: Do you have any body pics? I mean what attracted you to my profile? I don’t think it is my warm personality?

FI: I don’t really have any. I go the gym, but I am not as buff as you.

(Sigh – If I had a pound for every time I heard that line, I and not the Chinese, could have acquired controlling shares in Grindr.)

Me: So no body pics and you send pictures with you posing with a girl. You see why this may not go anywhere?

FI: Well, no one else seems to mind about the pictures except you. I am not sure what the problem is?

Me: Really? Ok, answer me this: Would you turn up at Chariots (a gay sauna) with your female friend?

FI: Of course not!

Me: Why?

FI: Because It’s a gay sauna and she would be of no use to herself or anyone there.

Me: Now hold that thought. Let it marinate for a minute and imagine Grindr were the sauna…….

FI: Ok I see your point…..

We left it there (or so I thought). I went back to sipping #Lemonade and getting on with my day when three hours later, I received another message from FI.

FI: I am really horny. You want to meet? I want you to fuck me. (Followed by more pictures with him fully clothed and posing with the girl)

Me: Not interested. But you could ask your friend, Becky with the good hair.


12 thoughts on “Crap I Get On Grindr V

  1. I think he’s an example of ‘function creep’ whereby various sorts of social media platforms keep on trying to creep into each other’s territory, so people get into an odd muddle & send you porn on Facebook & their girlfriend drunk at a wedding on Grindr…

  2. Clearly he’s not horny enough. If he were, he’d think on the exchange, understand the requirement, effect the change, and return with a refurbished profile.

    Ok, I feel like I’m giving a wailing seminar on Buhari’s deficiency.

    1. Hahahahahaha, Oh you surely are. Seems pointless to elucidate, clearly guy is pretty dense.

    2. 😂😂😂😂😂 Yes, it does sound like that. He was proper horny. You can tell, because whatever semblance of logic he possessed had disappeared.

  3. This is very freaking relatable. You’ve just put my everyday experience in writing. Lol

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