Nigerian Anti Gay Bill – An Open Letter to President Jonathan

Heeeyyyyy Mr President, How you doin? *wink wink*

Just thought as it seems to be the season for open letters, I should drop you a quick line. I can’t write up to 16 pages like the other open letters addressed to you recently because we are both busy people: I have a shag coming over in 30mins and you have homosexuals to oppress.

Ekuse o. Well done. I see you have been busy signing bills into law like your life depended on it. In particular, the ban on same-sex marriages and civil union bill.  The bill goes as far as prosecuting anyone suspected of being gay, with a maximum 14 year jail sentence if found guilty. And anyone who doesn’t report a same sex relationship will also get a jail term. According to your office, the reason you signed the bill into law is because it was “consistent with the attitudes of most (nigerian) people towards homosexuality…”

Would that be the same people who have been asking for basic needs like food, clean water, roads, hospitals, proper education system and security? The same people asking for justice for widows, pre-teen girls being forced into marriage and the elderly? Did you miss those bills to sign into law?

My president, please allow me to say  on behalf of all forward thinking citizens of the world and from the bottom of my duodenum, that you are a YAM-HEAD. (There I said it)

The time you and your homies have spent contemplating and signing the bill into law, could have been spent sorting out the plight of Nigerian pensioners, for example. People who have served the country with dignity and pride who have not collected their pension since retirement, due to “lack of funds”. And when the funds become available they have to bribe officials in order to collect what is rightfully theirs. Some have even died waiting in line in the scorching sun. But no, you rather jail gays.

What about Boko haram? For years they have been wrecking havoc and blowing people up in Borno state. They were at it again last weekend. Couldn’t you not have used the same time to sort out that growing threat of religious fundamentalism? It would seem that is not as pressing as banning two consenting adults from sleeping with each other, just because they are the same sex.  So instead you jail the gays. (Hint: They might be gay too. Think about it; a group of men, dressed in flowing gowns huddled together for years and no women in sight. I am just saying)

Another thing, the law also targets people suspected of being homosexual. How would you determine that? Is it if a man is not considered manly enough? Or woman not womanly enough? And by whose standard? Yours? Do I really want to look like you?!! Have you looked at your personal staff lately or indeed your cabinet?  One or two of them will have to go to jail pretty soon. I suppose you will be issuing contracts out to your homies and sycophants to build more sub-standard prisons, to accommodate the increased number of inmates as a result of the new law. Money which could have been spent building hospital and schools. But no, you rather jail gays.

Mr President, this law may make you look progressive  in your village, but to the rest of the educated world you come across (and look) neanderthal . You think next time you see Mrs Obama, she will give you and Mrs Jonathan, that deep homely hug only she can give? No, she will give you the same side look she gave her husband during the selfie incident at Mandela’s memorial. And speaking of Mandela, what would Madiba think from way up there in heaven?

Neanderthal
Neanderthal

Now Nigeria is going to be in the news for all the wrong reasons again. The last few weeks we have had good press. The banker, Jim O’Neil who correctly predicted the BRIC countries (Brazil, Russia, India and China) as the ones to watch economically, has suggested that the MINT countries, (Mexico, Indonesia, Nigeria and Turkey) are the ones to watch over the next 20 years. He said that if we could get our act together we could be the one of next global economic powerhouses.  But now with a stroke of a pen you have transferred us to the human rights atrocities list as well. Ewu. Goat. (At least Russia waited to grow economically before repressing her homosexual population)

By the way, this your obsession with gays – did something happen in the past? Did you have a bad experience? Were you rejected or something? Were you not allowed to play in the pool? Is that why you have pissed in the swimming pool, so no one else can play in it. I guess Hell hath no fury like a …….

I am sure you have been inundated with messages of goodwill from your village people congratulating you on signing the bill. Just remember, statistically if there are up to ten of them, one of them is gay. Sooner or later one of your kinsmen will be going to jail too.

Anyway, if anyone goes to jail by this draconian law and strange things start happening to you and anyone you may care about , don’t ask God or whoever you pray to, “Why me?” Just remember the minute you signed the bill. It seems Mr. President, you have scored an own goal. And frankly speaking, you have messed with the wrong set of people.

Enough said.

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