Ciao, Mr President

Heeeyyy Mr soon to be Ex-President, How you doin? *wink wink*. It’s me again.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now – deleting e-mails, shredding documents, transferring funds into private accounts, moving your belongings out of Aso rock and consoling the soon to be former First lady who I imagine is wailing uncontrollably in one corner of the residence and cursing you out (I do hope she is not taking your election defeat too hard. Tell her for me that This Too Shall Pass and she should remember diaris God O!!!!! I am sure He has already supplied all her needs “good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over”- she only has to check her USD bank balance to confirm) – so I will keep this brief.

The last time I wrote you was when you signed the Nigeria Anti gay bill into law, I ended my tirade with the following:

“Anyway, if anyone goes to jail by this draconian law and strange things start happening to you and anyone you may care about, don’t ask God or whoever you pray to, “Why me?” Just remember the minute you signed the bill. It seems Mr. President; you have scored an own goal. And frankly speaking, you have messed with the wrong set of people.” 

(Click here to recap)

I am not one to say “I told you so” and it would be hypocritical of me to show schadenfreude especially as, I told my friend off the other night for not showing decorum in his comments about the soon to be former first lady’s fallen status; but I am only human and #YOLO, so here goes – “I TOLD YOU SO!!!!”

Maybe signing that bill contributed to you losing the elections, maybe it didn’t. It could have been the missing Chibok girls? It could have been the hat you wore while casting your vote? Or it could have been the not so lucky underwear you wore on the day? Who knows? But the fact is you will lie awake at night in bed with madam former first lady cursing away at you in her sleep, wandering which one of your actions during your presidency caused your defeat. That sir, is priceless.


You are not all bad. You conceded defeat and averted potential bloodshed in the country, which is quite honourable. Though those close to you will not agree (Is she still crying?!?) but such a selfless act will go some way in redeeming your image as a caring Nigerian. You might even go on to be an elder statesman next month. Your place in history is secure.

However I think you could go a step further by mentioning in your memoirs that you regret signing the anti-gay bill into law. On second thoughts don’t bother – the memoirs won’t sell. Just post your regret on facebook and set up a manhunt account.

I will let you get on with looting clearing Aso Rock.

See you around.

Nigerian Anti Gay Bill – An Open Letter to President Jonathan

Heeeyyyyy Mr President, How you doin? *wink wink*

Just thought as it seems to be the season for open letters, I should drop you a quick line. I can’t write up to 16 pages like the other open letters addressed to you recently because we are both busy people: I have a shag coming over in 30mins and you have homosexuals to oppress.

Ekuse o. Well done. I see you have been busy signing bills into law like your life depended on it. In particular, the ban on same-sex marriages and civil union bill.  The bill goes as far as prosecuting anyone suspected of being gay, with a maximum 14 year jail sentence if found guilty. And anyone who doesn’t report a same sex relationship will also get a jail term. According to your office, the reason you signed the bill into law is because it was “consistent with the attitudes of most (nigerian) people towards homosexuality…”

Would that be the same people who have been asking for basic needs like food, clean water, roads, hospitals, proper education system and security? The same people asking for justice for widows, pre-teen girls being forced into marriage and the elderly? Did you miss those bills to sign into law?

My president, please allow me to say  on behalf of all forward thinking citizens of the world and from the bottom of my duodenum, that you are a YAM-HEAD. (There I said it)

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