Shag-fish

Catfish.  A guy Nev, starts an online relationship with an attractive lady called Megan on Facebook. Feelings begin to develop between Nev and Megan. As a token of affection Megan sends Nev MP3 song covers, which Nev subsequently discovers are performances from YouTube. This is just one of the many distortions from Megan which Nev discovers that prompts him to seek her out.  Nev travels to Michigan from New York to meet Megan and confront her on these irregularities. It turns out when Nev arrives at her front door she looks nothing like she does on her facebook page. Nev is devastated.   After unpicking the tangled web of untruths we discover “Megan” may or may not exist and the real name of the person behind the facebook page is Angela – or is it? All the drama is filmed on camera by Nev’s brother and his buddy and made into a documentary.  This was aired and it became a critical and commercial success.

Catfish the TV show. On the back of the commercial success of the documentary, MTV commissions a Catfish TV series. Now Nev, in addition to the original documentary crew has an MTV film crew, filming him filming other people who have had similar experiences as he had. The general gist is :-  Guy meets beautiful girl on facebook and falls in love almost immediately. Guy and girl are never in the same state in the United States. After about six months Guy (understandably) wants to meet girl in person.  Girl is always too busy to meet. This goes on for months on end and sometimes years. Finally,in desperation Guy sends a message to Nev and Co. They show up with a camera and travel with guy from his state to meet girl in another state. They get to girl’s house. Guy knocks on door.  Door opens, woman who opens door is nothing like the slim beauty with infinite blonde hair on her Facebook profile. Guy is devastated. Nev and Co try to understand the reason for the deception. In other scenarios, the sexes are reversed and sometimes, refreshingly the sexes are the same, but the general common theme is that behind every good-looking facebook profile is a fat person in reality.  

As I watched this mind-numbing drama unfold on TV, it hit me!! Shit!! This happens to me once every fortnight!! Sometimes  once a week, depending on how horny I am. This is my life on the gay dating sites!!!  I did not realise it could be a money spinner. I have enough stories for at least 5 seasons and each episode will be different.

I cannot count the number of times I have engaged a hot lean muscular guy online only to get to his doorstep and find that he has gained 20kg of fat since the last time we exchanged message, less than half an hour before. The whole journey starting from the sexy message exchange online, agreeing a hook up time, preparing for the hook up, getting to the hook up’s address and watching the disappointment on my face on meeting the hook up, is definitely worth a TV show.

The first few times it happened to me, I would go inside the guy’s house, make polite conversation, make an excuse and then leave. Then it got to the point when the door would open and I would apologise that I had knocked on the wrong door, because the person at the door looked nothing like the picture on his profile. These days I just turn around and leave without even saying a word.

I distinctly remember once arriving at a hook up’s place and I was so angered by what I saw that I accused him loudly of using someone else’s pictures on his profile and that he was a time wasting so and so. The noise attracted some of his neighbours. I must admit that was not my finest moment, for it transpired he lived with his girlfriend who was away on holiday…Opps 

Sometimes these unfortunate escapades happen late at night on week days.  I think people expect that since I made the effort to leave my place at the time of night and we are both horny, I might as well hop into bed with them.  While that maybe a legitimate assumption to make, what they fail to realise is that nothing kills being horny, like when you anticipate hooking up with a muscular guy with firm pecs, a washboard torso, a narrow waist-line and firm thighs and then reality kicks you in the nuts when the “reveal” is actually a burger away from being classed as clinically obese, has moobs, a belly like Peter Griffin’s from Family Guy, a 40-inch waist-line and tree trunks for legs. 

At least I restrict my trips to within an 8-10 mile radius of where I live in London.  I have known guys to travel from London to places as far as Manchester, Birmingham and Dublin for a blind hook up.

A classic one was when my friend Andy, travelled to Prague on a long weekend, to meet a guy he had been chatting to on line for a few weeks.  When Andy arrived, the guy was not too far off from his profile pictures and since Andy had indeed travelled far he thought he might as well stay and get used to him and of course see Prague. However on the first night when Andy refused to fist him (he thinks its filthy) his host kicked him out.  Andy did not have enough funds for a hotel room, so he had to stay in a cheap hostel for a couple of nights. The humiliation.  Andy now insists on using skype before stepping out of the door to meet any shag, even if they are around the corner.

Anyway, if there is any TV producer out there reading this and is looking for the next big mind-numbing TV reality series, please get in touch. I can even throw in a few successful hook up stories and let you film behind the scenes as we “seal the deal” to spice things up a little. They could be the extra scenes for the DVD box set!

We may have to play around with the TV show title though…

Have your people, call my people…