Ciao, Mr President

Heeeyyy Mr soon to be Ex-President, How you doin? *wink wink*. It’s me again.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now – deleting e-mails, shredding documents, transferring funds into private accounts, moving your belongings out of Aso rock and consoling the soon to be former First lady who I imagine is wailing uncontrollably in one corner of the residence and cursing you out (I do hope she is not taking your election defeat too hard. Tell her for me that This Too Shall Pass and she should remember diaris God O!!!!! I am sure He has already supplied all her needs “good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over”- she only has to check her USD bank balance to confirm) – so I will keep this brief.

The last time I wrote you was when you signed the Nigeria Anti gay bill into law, I ended my tirade with the following:

“Anyway, if anyone goes to jail by this draconian law and strange things start happening to you and anyone you may care about, don’t ask God or whoever you pray to, “Why me?” Just remember the minute you signed the bill. It seems Mr. President; you have scored an own goal. And frankly speaking, you have messed with the wrong set of people.” 

(Click here to recap)

I am not one to say “I told you so” and it would be hypocritical of me to show schadenfreude especially as, I told my friend off the other night for not showing decorum in his comments about the soon to be former first lady’s fallen status; but I am only human and #YOLO, so here goes – “I TOLD YOU SO!!!!”

Maybe signing that bill contributed to you losing the elections, maybe it didn’t. It could have been the missing Chibok girls? It could have been the hat you wore while casting your vote? Or it could have been the not so lucky underwear you wore on the day? Who knows? But the fact is you will lie awake at night in bed with madam former first lady cursing away at you in her sleep, wandering which one of your actions during your presidency caused your defeat. That sir, is priceless.

You are not all bad. You conceded defeat and averted potential bloodshed in the country, which is quite honourable. Though those close to you will not agree (Is she still crying?!?) but such a selfless act will go some way in redeeming your image as a caring Nigerian. You might even go on to be an elder statesman next month. Your place in history is secure.

However I think you could go a step further by mentioning in your memoirs that you regret signing the anti-gay bill into law. On second thoughts don’t bother – the memoirs won’t sell. Just post your regret on facebook and set up a manhunt account.

I will let you get on with looting clearing Aso Rock.

See you around.