(Reader’s discretion: Try not to read while eating.)
It’s Sunday morning. Despite taking matters into my hands the previous night, I am still horny.
I trawl though manhunt and Grindr to find a hook up. There are lots of guys available, but most haven’t been to bed and want to “play and party”. This means doing drugs and having sex – sometimes unprotected. I steer clear.
After a short while Grindr yields some result. A guy I had been chatting to now for a couple of weeks, is available to meet up. He lives in the area and I have seen him on the High street before. He is about 6ft tall, about 30-35 years old, mixed race with a nicely proportioned muscular body. He agrees to be at mine in 30 minutes, as he needs to be somewhere else later. This gives me enough time to jump into the shower.
He rings the doorbell. He is on time (not often you get that). I open the door in my briefs. I offer him something to drink and he asks for a glass of water. I return from the kitchen with his glass of water and he has stripped down to his underwear. It is one of those jockstraps that are actually briefs with the bum area cut out. It looks hot on him. Maybe they are his freakum briefs. He sees my dick’s acknowledgement; he takes a sip of the water, gets on his knees, pulls my briefs down and starts sucking me off there in the living room.
We fool around for a bit and then I lead him to the bedroom. We get into bed and continue foreplay. He is quite eager with his mouth. I put on a condom and lube up. His underwear is still on. He lubes himself and gets into position on all fours in doggy position. I enter him; he winches. Damn the man is tight. I pause for a few seconds so that he can get used to me. He relaxes, I pull out to plunge back in and the condom is dirty!! Not little flecks of fecal matter surrounded by water from douching that you can wipe away and continue fucking. No. Huge chunks as in, he has taken a dump and not douched!!
He apologises. He is embarrassed and heads to the bathroom to clean up. There are some wet wipes on the bedside table. I reach for some and take off the soiled condom. I wipe down with fresh wet wipes while he is the bathroom cleaning up. My dick is no longer interested and has receded. I put on a pair of shorts. He comes out of the bathroom. He wants to continue. I tell him we have lost time and he needs to get somewhere. We politely agree to meet another time. He gets dressed and leaves. What a shame. He had a nice ass too, albeit messy. What a passion killer!!
This is not the first time this has happened to me. I accept accidents will happen, but its also necessary, to mitigate them or at least be seen to be taking steps to prevent “the brown bear from coming out of the cave”- to borrow a phrase. It didn’t look like Mr Messy Butt, took any steps on this occasion.
Some of my friends have complained about the same issue. They start having sex with a self – proclaimed, prolific bottom and then it gets really messy with shit all over the place. Sex is messy enough as it is and you would think a professional bottom would be prepared and ready for action. My friends say, these incidents are getting more and more frequent and that they are considering taking rimming off the foreplay menu. Imagine, you rim a guy and minutes later you are fucking him and……
So why don’t some bottom guys douche? I have had a few answers from bottom guys. One guy I was with stated the obvious “It is a shit canal and sometimes shit happens”. Fair enough, but after the third consecutive incident, I stopped sleeping with him.
Another guy Jacques, who I met at the gym was the same way. After the second accident with me, I asked him the question and he said it made him feel “gay” and was holding on to his “masculinity” by not douching. (Hmmm, issues). Of course, that ended that tryst. I later found out that he had been around the block a few times with the guys at the gym and that he wasn’t being “gay” with them either. They call him “Jacque-shit” behind his back.
On my online profile I had written “Clean, muscular/athletic bottom guys for safe sex” (and have done so for years) to describe my preference for non messy bums. The Political Correctness brigade notified me, that the word “Clean” is offensive to HIV positive men. I have scrubbed the word “Clean” and reworded it to read “Muscular/Athletic guys with douched bottoms for safe sex”. But most horny guys don’t read, I still get guys presenting messy bottoms and they still expect to get fucked when stuff comes out.
Here is what I think the problem is. Douching requires proper planning. It is advisable to wait two hours after douching to ensure the passage way is clear, before having sex. In our current climate of instant sex, where if you snooze you lose, especially in big cities, who has two hours to spend cleaning their bottom?
Shags arranged online are never guaranteed until they appear on your doorstep – assuming of course their profile pictures are within the limits of accepted authenticity. So we tend to have other potential shags on the go to hedge our bets and minimize the risk of being stood up. (That was possibly what happened to me in Unusual Threesome).
Is this gentlemanly behavior? No! Is it pragmatic, Hell yes! Especially in London, where there are so many choices. Also the possibility of being stood up increases at the weekend when majority of guys are getting themselves into the right state of mind to go clubbing or have returned from the clubs and are still in that right state of mind.
The guy who spends two hours prepping his bottom for an already agreed date, will in most cases miss out because the other guy may arrange another hook up in the interim and cancel on him.
After a few more set backs, the disappointed bottom learns that his attempts at decency won’t necessary get him a shag and he doesn’t take time prepping for future dates. Result – he turns up with a messy bottom.
Anyway, maybe I am over thinking this shit. Got to go now. I have to change the sheets. The other guy I was chatting to at the same time as Mr. Messy Butt, will be here soon.
I never said I was a gentleman, just pragmatic