Planet Of The Assless

After a 12 hour flight from London Heathrow, surly cabin crew in ill fitting uniforms (Haba BA) and two air sickness bags later (Cabin crew did not like me either), we landed in Tokyo Japan. The land of state of the art gadgets, shrines set in rambling gardens, impeccable customer service (they don’t take tips) and fresh sushi.  I knew about the sushi before I came over, but I did not know the extent to which everything translates to fish. The toilets in the public restrooms and at the hotel are branded “Toto”. In Nigeria, Toto means “Pussy” and fish is used to describe “pussy” in gay parlance.

The toilets are quite clever. A bit reminiscent of the captain’s chair on the Starship enterprise. In some places when you enter the toilet cubicle and lock the door, the toilet lid flips open automatically. Then you can press another button to raise or lower the toilet seat. This eliminates the age old feminists complaints about men leaving the toilet seat up.

All  the toilets double as bidets (or B’day to all Beyonce fans). There are two settings – one that suits those who sit to pee (women or men with vaginas); and the other that sprays the anus (Women, men and those in between). In both cases the spray is warm and the water pressure adjustable.

I am not sure which one I like better. The first setting sprays my balls, thus giving me a tickling sensation and the second setting sprays my anus and when the spray hits the right spot at the right water pressure, I get a near “orgasmic”  sensation. One could say, I come out flushed (A bit of toilet humour there).

So with all these readily available bum cleaning facilities around in Japan, I would expect any conquest I get on this trip would have a clean ass!! But alas, I may never find out!!!

One thing I have noticed here is that though most guys are sharply dressed and trendy with handsome features, they tend to be posteriorly challenged. Yes, no ass over here!! Its like God said to them – “Look guys, I have run out of backsides, but you can have an extra helping of intelligence” Like I joked with a friend, this is where ass men, like me come to dry out – Its like an ass man rehab.

99%  of the guys on line claim to be versatile or bottoms, but have to bend over to show their posterior. This is not a good sign and I have also seen this in the street when I check them out – they are as flat as pancakes

Another thing, no one seems to be over 75kg in weight and 150cm in height on Grindr. Even the ones that look heavier in their profile pictures. The gaigin (Mostly Caucasian foreigners) are also affected by this on Grindr, I see caucasian profiles who are over 6ft tall saying they weigh 70 kg!!!! And the ones I see in the street also have the aforementioned ass problem. Its as if some ray zaps asses away here, I keep checking mine to see its still there!!!

I guess the average weight here is around the 50kg – 60 kg mark. Why  else would there be signs in the subway warning passengers about the gust of wind coming from the trains lest they get blown away.

Yet another thing that is not in my favour, the gay bars in Tokyo are segregated. Only a few bars cater for Foreigners and their admirers, while the rest are strictly for locals. I wonder if anyone has set up a blog complaining about this

Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing more of this beautiful city and its majestic shrines,  gardens, innovative electronic gadgetry and incomparable hospitality for as I have landed on the planet of the assless,  I don’t think I would be riding Kawasaki any time soon.

I will update you if the situation changes.

Sayonara for now…….