The Non Birthday Present

It was my birthday last week. Without giving my age away, I am a few good decades away from when I have to think about not only stylish, but also functional trousers. I mean to say, I have not come to the age where though the trousers may look good on me, I also need to consider how quickly I can get my dick out not just to fuck, but also to do a number one without wetting myself.

It is March and this is the coldest March ever, in over 50 years in England. It is actually snowing as I write this. This time last year, there was a heat wave and I did not experience it – I was on Mi Cayito beach near Havana, watching touristas trying to use market forces to drive down the price of sex with Jineteros . And after a deal was stuck, they would retire to the dunes to have sex.

No this year, I spent my birthday in freezing London watching the snow fall outside my window,with the TV news on in the background banging on, about the  havoc  wrecked on major UK roads . Ah,what a difference a year makes.

Usually I would shag my way through my misery, but I can’t because its Lent and I have imposed a “No-sex please, we are British” ban on myself.  So I am sitting here with aching balls, a raging hard on and a lot of pent up frustration, thinking thoughts of how I would end Lent. (These thoughts have no business being thought of in the holy month on Lent!!) I would take a cold shower to help expunge these thoughts, but trust me there are only so many cold showers one can take in this freezing weather!!!

So yes, I did feel sorry for myself on my birthday, but with it was with a pure heart and aching balls.  So imagine my indignation when I got a birthday e-mail from my gym, subject titled – “Happy Birthday. Claim you present”. They did wish me a Happy Birthday, but they said to help celebrate my birthday, I could bring two friends to try out the gym, free of charge for a week.

I read this e-mail over and over again to try and understand what part of it is meant to be a birthday present for me.  It was MY birthday, I am meant to get a present. How is helping them recruit two new members a present to me?

You might argue that it would be a selfless act on my part, to give two friends the gift of a free gym for a week which could ultimately lead to their general well being and happiness.

To which I would say, sit on my dick and spin round!!  How does that benefit me? How is that a present to me on my birthday? I am selfless most times of the year and the one day in the whole year, when I can be legitimately selfish, I am expected to give out presents!?!

Well fuck that, last time I checked I wasn’t a rich old gal in Buckingham palace who has a Birthday honours list and gives out Knighthoods on her birthday.

Its my birthday, I am meant to get a present, not me help the gym increase their membership. I have been with them over 10 years and not once have they given me a discount on my fees or provided me any free supplements or energy drinks. Instead all they do is increase my membership fees every year and above the rate of inflation, I might add.

If they really want to treat me they could clean the male shower area more than twice a day, so that I don’t slip on the spunk, bashed out by guys on the shower floor.

They could move the thick set grumpy female receptionist with a bad weave, with bad drag make up and dragon breathe, who is rude to clients first thing in the morning, to the afternoon shift.

How about giving me a free one on one session with the good looking and muscular personal trainer with a bubble butt, who used to be a part time male escort/porn star but changed his name when he went legit (yeah, I said it). Now that would be a happy birthday present for me.

I shall be having words with the gym manager. Maybe I can get the free session after lent…….In the mean time, I am going to have a cold shower….those thoughts are coming back!!

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