Over the next few months some of my gay homies will be hitting the big 4-0…. A few nice words from me.
So it’s the big 4-0 today, huh? In gay terms, it is the dreaded age when everything starts to sag, wrinkles start appearing on your face and grey hairs make their debut. To the younger gays you are now deemed ancient, sexually unattractive and in their opinion you should be confined to a retirement home. Your sex drive is supposed to wane. If you declare your true age on your gaydar profile, you will get fewer and fewer messages; you will have to do the chasing from now on. To them, today is like the millennium bug or the Mayan apocalypse – this is the day your world ends.
As someone who passed the 40-year landmark some months ago (yes bitches!!), I am here (no zimmer frame in sight) to tell you, its all hog wash especially the wrinkly face part. We are black and allegedly our skin does not age as much as our white counterparts the same age. I guess there must be some truth in that, because no one seems to be trying to sell us Retinol. I mean when was the last time you saw an over 40 black male celebrity, fronting a skin care product ad campaign? (Enough said!)
So with that in mind, you have the God given advantage of being able to pass for a 30 year old (comme moi). But do get some of the skin care stuff, purely to maintain not to repair what the good Lord has blessed you with.
As for the sexual appetite waning its not quite true. Though, I can say in my case the number of shags has dropped, but only marginally. This is not because of a lack of desire on my part (I still wake up most mornings pitching a tent), but focus is now on having qualitative sex rather than quantitative ones. (Cue “Doin it ”by LL Cool J). As you know delivering a good service and paying attention to detail takes time – hence the fall in numbers.
You would have received a letter from your GP asking you to have your Prostrate Specific Antigen (PSA) levels measured for early signs of prostrate cancer. Don’t fret. It is just precautionary. If not for the incessant drive to cut costs by the NHS, you would have had the same letter 5 years ago. Regardless, go have the test. I also hear clearing your pipes 2 -3 times a week helps to prevent prostrate cancer. You may want to try that too. Oh, and check your balls regularly too for abnormal swellings – (Or have someone regularly teabag you and feel for abnormal swellings).
On your online gay profile you may be tempted to stop ageing or indeed start ageing backwards, at first ageing 1 year every month, then 3 years every week. No need for that – You don’t want to be like “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. What’s the point? Sooner or later shags will realise the discrepancy between your real age and the profile age. Then they will start to wonder what else you lied about? Keep it real.
I know “keeping it real” is difficult these days when most of the ages on profiles are at least 5- 10 years less than actual; major supermarkets say their beef burgers are 100% beef, when in actual fact its 29% horsemeat; or a seven time Tour de France winner comes on Oprah and admits doping. These are the challenges of the world we live in, but still try your best and keep it real.
It is said that from 40 you start to forget things. Not true. It is all propaganda! Forgetfulness is due to a host of factors of which age is but a tiny one. Stress is another factor too. A few years ago, in my thirties, I was going through a particularly stressful period at work. Half – way through shagging some guy in his flat, I realised the bedroom looked familiar. I had been in the same apartment two days before, in the same bedroom, on the same bed, doing the same thing, only this time it was to a different arse!!! I should have remembered where I was when I entered the apartment. I wasn’t even forty then, so in my opinion forgetfulness is not age related.
Ok so you may need to work a little harder at the gym to look like the guys in fitness magazines. But remember, they are 20 years younger and the pictures are visually augmented (photo shopped to you and I). On a level playing field you would give them a run for their money.
I am not going to tell you life begins at forty, because it doesn’t. It began when your mother gave you birth and you have been learning ever since and you won’t stop now. Life doesn’t get any easier; there will be new challenges. There will be things you have not seen or experienced before. But you know what, from what you have learned, you are now better equipped today than you were yesterday to bitch-slap some fools that try and make life difficult.
One thing in life is certain – we all age. You can choose to fight it (Sly Stallone), or embrace it gracefully (Denzel Washington). It is entirely your choice. I would advice you have a positive outlook about it. Think of it as your nineteenth 21st Birthday!!
Welcome to the fantastic forties, homies!!! It only gets better!!!